As we continue to face shelter-in-place issues, I thought it would make sense to repost a piece by Amanda, Not just Cute.
She shares a great method to deal with problematic behaviors in a positive, effective way. Don’t forget the printable!
Amanda is a familiar name to anyone who has been reading this blog for some time. She’s my favorite parenting resource. Her blog about intentional whole child development provides parents with a wealth of information. I recommend that you bookmark it and visit it often!
I’ve told him a million of times!
This is a common complaint that I hear from parents and teachers of young children. They have tried to correct the behavior over and over again but it still persists. Only one change seems to be happening is an increase in blood pressure among adults!
It looks like willful disobedience. It could be a frustrating case if amnesia.
Let’s look at some things that can change your outlook and help you make real progress in similar situations.
First, a little perspective.
How has it been for you to make changes in your behavior? Personal experience has taught me that I need to go to the gym at 5 a.m. and quit eating chocolate chip cookies at 5 p.m. to be in the best shape my life.
Simple, right? It’s simple, right?
For some reason, however, I find it hard to set my alarm and take the time to stop myself from reaching for the chocolate whenever the familiar craving strikes.
Each of you can probably relate. It doesn’t matter if it’s the gym or nicotine, late-night TV, or extra slices of pizza after you swear you’re done. We have a hard time changing habits that have become habitual, reinforced by repetition and familiarity.
Adults have the pre-frontal cortex that is fully developed. This part of our brain is responsible for making good decisions. They are not fully developed and we still struggle.
However, children are still developing this vital area of their brains. Scientists believe that it isn’t fully developed until around age 20. This is the part of the brain used by children to communicate with others, manage their emotions, control their impulses and make moral judgements about their actions.
Knowing the right thing to do is half of the battle. What you know requires significantly more skills. This requires impulse control, which is often difficult for children. It involves functions in an area that is still developing.
does not mean that children cannot change their behavior. They can. It takes patience, time, and work.
Image Credit: (c) Suzette Pauwels | 01.01.11 | CC by 2.0
What can you do?
Changes to our environment and the cues from it can make a significant difference in changing habits. Change frees our brains from autopilot and allows us to think clearly and make better choices.
My father-in law was teaching a parenting course when a mother approached him to ask him how to change her son’s behavior. Her son would return from school every day, knock on the door and throw his books on top of the table. Then, they would argue.
She was surprised when her father-in-law suggested that SHE might be the one who makes the changes first. It was HIS changes which would change her son’s behavior.
“What would you do if you saw him at the door?” He could not slam it. What if there was a snack on the table? He wouldn’t likely throw his books there. Imagine sitting down with him and asking him about his day. Perhaps he wouldn’t jump in to an argument em>
Although the outcome might not be ideal (although in this case, the mom reported that the changes worked like charm), the main point is that changing the environment and routine opened up the possibility of changing behavior.
C.A.R.E. Enough to Change
Habits can create a self-reinforcing loop that is made up of cues and behavior as well as feedback (usually in the form of reward). To change our habits, we need to be aware of the behavior and identify the triggers.
The acronym CARE describes the system I use to record challenging behavior and reflect on it. This system allows you to look beyond the undesirable behavior and examine the causes, responses, and expectations that are involved.
You can download a printable version and instructions for how to use the CARE form here.
Although it may take some time, you might not realize that you’ve been looking at it all along . But once you start to observe behavior patterns with a system such as this, you will begin to see clear patterns . You can intervene to interrupt a child’s habitual behavior once you have a clear picture of where, when and how it is occurring.
Do meltdowns seem to always occur at 2:00 in the morning? Perhaps your child is feeling tired or hungry. You can change your habitual cycle by being proactive and having a snack or some quiet time in the afternoon.
Is it a common occurrence for your child to bite on toys? This social script teaches you how to be proactive and teach your child social skills. As your child plays, be alert and step in as a coach if you notice your child reaching for a toy.
Does your bedtime routine seem to be at a breaking point? Change things. You can change the order or add a new task. It was our family’s habitual requests for more items every time we tried to get out of the room. We made a shift by adding bedsit baskets into our daily routine. It worked beautifully !…. See Jillian’s MPMK guest blog on a new bedtime routine and quiet-time activities that go with it.
These responses are not prescriptive. Each is an example of how disruptive change can break bad habits and help children overcome impulses. Based on the information you gather from CARE observations, how that principle is applied will depend on how it is used.
Disruptive change for me meant that my alarm clock was moved to a new location. When I reached my bedroom and headed towards the snooze button I realized that the location had changed, as well as my strategically placed running shoes, that I really wanted to exercise, rather than snooze like I was used to doing by automation.
i style=”mso–bidi-font–style: normal ;”>( As for the chocolate chips …. well, as I sit here with an open hand, let’s just say that I’m still working on it. )
Amanda Morgan works full-time as a mom to four boys, and part-time as a trainer and consultant for a children’s non-profit organization. On her blog Not just Cute, she writes about whole child development.
The post Positive Parenting Strategies for Children’s Challenging Behaviors was first published on Modern parents Messy Kids.
